Saturday, October 31, 2009

stewed haiku

On all Hallowes Eve
Dressed in ghoulish garb they came
Knocking on my door
*
Little hands outstretched
In the expectation of
An edible treat
*
Little did they know
eating all those sweets makes much
sweeter tasting meat

overheard on decatur street

Guy #1: "Are you going to hang out with the vampires at the 'Vampire Ball' tonight?"
Guy #2:"Vampires? Right. 90% of these malcontents are just a bunch of fat chicks and geeks that have had a bad experience with the Christian church only to replace it with another fairy story to make them feel better about their dismal lives playing dress-up."
Guy #1: "And the other 10%?"
Guy #2: "Real vampires of course..."


do haiku


A lesson in style:
Emo hair is like Goth hair
just with longer bangs.

poof haiku

I was doing fine
with my cans of Aquanet
'til you struck that match.

from the house of silence

Friday, October 30, 2009

necro haiku

During mummy sex
when they have an orgasm
do they shoot out dust?

tinkle haiku

The dead have risen
wandering around headstones
looking for the loo

grey matter haiku


Brain surgeon told me,
“when the air hits your brain you
are never the same”.

loot haiku

Ding Dong Trick or treat!
Give us lots of candy bars!
(bastard gave us fruit)

Oct 30 1966


The Zodiac kills his first victim, 18-year-old Cheri Jo Bates, in the library parking lot of a community college in Riverside, California. Zodiac stabs her to death with a knife, nearly decapitating Bates in the process. Don't look at me, I was only 5 at the time.

zombie porn haiku

Yeah, I did some porn
"The Night Of The Giving Head"
The lead role, Barbra.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

nom haiku

Discarded band-aids
Are a treat for the undead
Vampire Juicy fruit

warm fuzzy haiku

I'm writing a book:
"Chicken soup for the Soul-less"
(undead self-help book)

snack haiku

Double amputee
speeds away in her wheelchair
I think "Meals on Wheels"

tasted haiku

Blood tastes like cherries
eaten from a copper pot
with a little salt.

minority haiku


Only 6 percent
On Earth are true Aryans
(no wonder they're pissed)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

party haiku

My idea of Hell
Party with the Pixies Three
For eternity

homecoming haiku

In High School he was
Voted "Most likely to be
Someones Prison Bitch."

To do list

Vatican Priests I plan on dragging to Hell

Exodus 22:18

"Do not allow a sorceress to live."

1 Timothy 2:12

"...do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent..."

Psalm 137:9

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little children against the rocks."

biblical zombies

(Mat 27:50 NRSV) "Then Jesus cried again with a loud voice and breathed his last."
(Mat 27:52 NRSV) "The tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised." (Apparently they just sat there for 3 days until after the resurrection)
(Mat 27:53 NRSV) "After his resurrection they came out of the tombs and entered the holy city and appeared to many."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

green haiku

It's funny to think,
coke bottles will decompose
slower than you will

desperate haiku

I've no self esteem
Maybe that's why I often
let hobos fuck me

hot or not haiku

A sublime combo
of douche and object of lust
to fuck and then kill

frozen haiku

Odious pop star
is locked inside a freezer
(you supply the pun)

sing along

Monday, October 26, 2009

eros and anteros

Art thou, god, to shepherd turn' d,
That a maiden's heart hath burn'd ?
Why, thy godhead laid apart,
Warr'st thou with a woman's heart ?
Whiles the eye of man did woo me,
That could do no vengeance to me.
If the scorn of your bright eyne
Hath power to raise such love in mine,

Alack, in me what strange effect
Would they work in mild aspect !
Whiles you chid me, I did love ;
How then might your prayers move !
He that brings this love to thee
Little knows this love in me:
And by him seal up thy mind;
Whether that thy youth and kind
Will the faithful offer take
Of me and all that I can make;
Or else by him my love deny,

And then I'll study how to die.
-Shakespeare

Oct 26 1440

Gilles de Rais, one of the wealthiest noblemen in France, is executed for heresy after he is found to have engaged in the kidnap, sodomization, and murder of 200 young men from the lower classes. Rais enjoyed masturbating on the stomachs of his victims as they suffered excruciating deaths, sometimes also enjoying necrophilia with their corpses.

motherly haiku

Stop crying damn it
or I'll cut out your tongue next.
I fucking mean it.
*
Tell me you're sorry
for throwing those strained carrots
or bunny gets it.
*
Well look at this mess.
You clean it up, it's your blood.
(being a Mom's hard)

driving haiku

Hey, who sings this song?
I'll text Stacy and ask her...
Huh? Bridge? What Bridge? SHIT...

emo wisdom

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

something horrible happened here


motivational


corny haiku

This secret could harm
national security....
Don't tell anyone.

There is candy corn
filling the head of Lincoln
at his monument.

I know it's shocking
but it's a horrible fact
(a delicious one)

happiest place haiku

Sung right before firing:
M-I-C, see ya real soon!
(the bitch loved Disney)

wasted haiku

I want so badly
to rip my out my eyes seeing
you drunk in public
*
When you did that trick
where you use your tongue to tie
the cherry stem knot
*
Let me take you home
and make you a special drink
(vodka and Drano)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

stray haiku

The sock monster comes
and causes laundry mayhem
one sock at a time

your Bouguereau moment


crime scene report haiku

The torso was found
wrapped in an '80's jacket
(disMembers Only)

yidd-ish haiku

Yank your yarmelkeh
you yeshuvnikeit yukel
yield to the yachsen

Yeneh velt yoysher:
yungatsh meets yefayfiyeh
while yenta gets yutz

Today some schmendrick
Showed me his schvartze schmekel
I said "Oy gevalt"

juggernaut haiku

American ads
are obsessed with bukkake
and gigantic breasts.
*
Are we to believe
If we purchase all their crap
We get a tit fuck?

Friday, October 23, 2009

castrated haiku

sensitive subject-
men even wince when the vet
does it to the dog
*
Eunuchs will always
become bitter, that's why they
give kings bad advice
*
Castrati sing well
but it's a big price to pay
for hitting high C

three dictators haiku

Ben Mussolini
enjoyed bacon panini
South of Rimini
*
Smiling Chairman Mao
wasn't winning at pai-gow
didn't mind somehow
*
Old Man Pinochet
sat by the dock of the bay
humming Marvin Gaye